Numb and Dirty

Unrequited love dont do it. it’s a shame that it has taken me five years to know what numb and dirty means.

I love a woman more than I have ever loved a woman. and she hates me.

I don’t know whats dirty than that.

 

Thanksgiving

When my personal life is in the dumps I try very hard to stay away from the internet and most people. I like to disconnect. I would rather disconnect than have to hear all of the advice that will be given to me. Also, I really don’t need to bore everyone with some self-loathing rant of, “I wonder what I did wrong?”

That said, it is Thanksgiving. A time to sit and reflect, to share with family and friends, to celebrate the harvest and reap it’s wonderful bounty.

I have none of that today.

People always say that through the trials and tribulations of life you become stronger. Be that as it may, if I go through anymore, I won’t be stronger, I will be heartless.

Everyone have a Happy Thanksgiving and try not to choke on a fucking bone.

 

A letter to the Ex

Monday, September 28, 2009 11:54:11 PM

I know you would rather not hear from me, the past has proven that point, but issues have arisen and I need answers, and to be fair, I would rather not have answers from Dallas. You will be sufficient as I don’t recall Dallas being there for the conception. I have received word from Kansas Child Support Enforcement that you are seeking child support for Billy. That is okay with me, however I need answers. I was under the impression that my rights to Billy were stripped and that Dallas had adopted Billy. Is this impression correct or have I been deceived for the last 9 years?

I understand my responsibilities and understand that if my rights have not been stripped that I have an obligation under the law to provide support, but why ask now? Why not ask when I was in Kansas and could have seen Billy? Why over the years have you denied access to allow me to meet Billy. I  use caution in my words because I fear that the outcome could turn to what it was the last time I contacted you on Billy’s birthday.

I have tried on numerous occasions to contact Billy and have been met with hostility. I would think that trying to do the right thing is far better than anything that I could have done when I was a child. I have grown since the person that you married. I am a different person completely. With that said, I almost feel as I have been deceived for the last 9 years? Every time I have tried to contact you or Billy, either your phone number has changed, your e-mail disappeared, or you address changed.

Unfortunately for me I never saved the return-to-sender letters and birthday cards, the hostile e-mails, or the never returned phone calls. These are things that I can never get back just like the years that I will never get back from Billy’s childhood. We can either proceed in a civilized manner or not, the choice is yours.

The person that you think I am no longer exists. I grew up. If it is child support that you want, like I said that is fine, but I also want visitation. That is my right. I will be moving to Wichita in the next couple of months to start my business.

On a separate note my father asked me to give you his e-mail address. They have not heard from you in a while and would like to know how things are going. Whether you e-mail them or not is your choice of course, but I am doing as I am asked… ****
 
I look forward to hearing from you. Hopefully we can have this resolved as peacefully as possible. Hopefully, for Billy’s sake he will be allowed to meet his sister Abbey, his step-brother Caleb, and my wife April.

That is all for now.

Billy Crowley
Lincoln, Nebraska

enclosed is my phone number and e-mail for Billy or Nicole to contact me:

402-217-****
402-217-****
402-261-****
e-mail:
deadair@****
doomstead.nation@***
wcrowley@***
Distribution:

William Crowley ****
Theresa Siglar, ESQ
April Crowley, acrow***
William Crowley, JR. Doomstead.nation@***
Personnel File
Kansas Child Support Enforcement. 

 

Hey

Well getting ready to take out on the road for a few days. Don’t know where I am headed but I am sure I will know when I get there.

 

Songs from Mt. Holly

SORRY YOU’LL HAVE TO CLICK THE LINK TO SEE THIS ONE. NOT THAT LITERATE YET.

Van Halen – Right Now
Uploaded by VividJame. – Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

 

Update

Really should try to post something, but I really can’t. I don’t have it in me right now.

 

Flush

I’ve often been more of a loner than anything. Why I keep trying to connect to people blows my mind. I know that in the end, when there is darkness I will be alone. It may be 50 years from now or it could be tonight, but we all die alone. When it does happen I will be alone, so why waste time in this life trying to GRASP onto things that are fleeting? Why waste the time? Nobody actually cares.

Everyone, including myself, are so self-absorbed in their own little worlds that they don’t seem to understand that not everyone is the same. I was told earlier that I am not being honest with myself, because I don’t want events from my past brought to the attention of those that don’t know. I am sorry that you feel that way, but I am honest with myself.

I need not hide behind fashion, culture, music, books, friends, acquaintances or whatever else people choose to associate themselves with. I know who I am. I like who I am. I don’t need to live in the past to know who I am…

I know where I came from and I choose to forget that. It has no bearing on my current life, anymore than a relationship that ended before it started.  I need not plaster my personal life all over everything just to prove my self-worth.

You know who I am?

I’m the type of guy that would fuck you and as soon as I get off, hop out of bed and leave without so much as a kiss my ass.

I’m the type of guy that would put it in your ass without lube and without asking.

I’m the type of guy that when I see another guy wearing girl pants I don’t congratulate him for fitting into a size 0, i beat him to within an inch of his life.

I’m the type of guy that sees two homosexuals (I’d use another word but that’s not PC) holding hands in a mall and tell them that my children don’t need to see that.

I’m the type of guy that tells the hood-rats across the street to slang their dope elsewhere.

I drive a Jeep, own guns, eat meat, play hard, drink hard, and work hard. When it is fitting I fuck my wife hard. 

I am the type of guy that believes that MEN should be the bread-winners and that women should stay home with the kids.

I am the type of guy if given the choice of choosing between a well-educated Hispanic or a brain-dead Anglo. I’m choosing the white guy.

I don’t accept EEO. I don’t accept Affirmative Action. I don’t accept Welfare. I don’t care that you lived in the inner-city. Perhaps a few more drive-bys and you wouldn’t be wasting my time.

I curse; tell my kids to watch t.v.; tell my children how evil Liberals are. I spank my children when they misbehave. I don’t buy tofu, don’t look at art. I work on my Jeep. I don’t care how much it is killing mother earth.

I hate liberals, environmentalists, women, men, people, humanity.

I just don’t care.

I am a bigoted, egotistical, sexist pig. I know what I am…

Do you?

~A

Technorati Tags: Rants,Ramblings,Rebirth,People,Beliefs,ideology,life

 

My Past

Another in the installment of Demons, Skeletons and Zombie. However, this one will not be so in depth. Actually it will have no content what so ever other than me ranting about nothing at all…

I understand that to some the right to privacy is a right that has been flushed down the drain. I also understand that depending on your Washington ideology you hold true to one of the two (simplified) absolutes…

1) You can do whatever you want with your body as long as you give us all your money.

2) You can have all of the money that you make as long as you let us tell you what you can and can’t do with your body.

Now I don’t subscribe to any of these. You can’t tell me what to do with my body and you can’t have my money. You want health-care?Get a job. You want food? Get a job. You want electricity, clothes, education, cars, houses, a life? GET A JOB.

Damn, went off on a tangent again…

My privacy is exactly that, mine; and my past is exactly that, mine. It is the responsibility of me and me alone, to bring to light events of my past. Imagine if Washington ran that way, hell we’d have no politicians. Nobody is going to elect someone based on the things they say…

Wait, never mind.

That is a different breed of monster. When you put yourself in the public eye to be elected to a position of higher power your past needs to be exposed and investigated.

But, when on Facebook, Twitter,WordPress, Blogger, Livejournal, Typepad, or whatever your addiction may be, you are the owner of your realm. You alone are the be all and end all. You have the sole power to censor, limit, and restrain those who attempt to bring to light issues that you don’t want out in the open.

There still is a Constitution. Although most in Washington view it as a 2oo year old piece of toilet paper, the rules which set the laws which govern are there.

I have the right to privacy. I have the right to share whichever parts of my life I decide I want shared. When someone usurps that right and posts whatever they wish about my past, they no longer even have the ability to understand something as little as a right to privacy.

When you have usurped a right you no longer view it as valid. Therefore you no longer have a claim to that right.

Just a bunch of nonsense really.

Bottom Line…

I am the only one who has the authority to bring my past into the present. I am not a public figure, I have no urge to seek public office. So if you can’t keep your damn nose out of my private life and past, kiss off.

~A

Technorati Tags: Past,privacy,Washington,ideology,life,tangent,Constitution,nonsense,longer

 

Atlas Adjusted

I am back on strike. I have found a job that will allow me to lurk in the shadows and contribute only when absolutely necessary.  I couldn’t deal with having two sides of me it was destroying me. A friend of mine today asked me why I never seem happy. I told her that it was because I feel, “as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.”

I do feel that way. I feel that no matter how hard I scream, yell or pound my fist nobody listens to the message…

The Message…

I sometimes feel like I have lost sight of what it is I am trying to do. If I can convince one person that “the crash” is coming and that they need to prepare I will fell as if I have done something…

But at what cost…

At some point I am going to have to unplug a little and start focusing on my own preparation. I feel that I am in a position now to be of some use but am I fully prepared?

Complete Preparedness is a myth…

I almost believe that but shouldn’t I at least try to achieve complete prepardness?

And what is that…

I am not doing this all night with you. You are a figment of my imagination. You don’t exist.

Okay, if that is how you want it…

Back to reality (and sanity)…

Instead of shrugging and going under completely until the end of time, I adjusted the weight.

(I have lost my damn mind)

Urbane (err… He doesn’t exist anymore)

~A

(more on the ~A at a later date)

Technorati Tags: Ayn Rand,Thoughts,Wonkishness,Life,Prepardness,Family

 

The GOP

It pains me to say that the party of my youth, which I left in my twenties, and returned too again in my 30’s is dying. If you don’t agree with me just look at the last election. Anyway even more proof…

Huckabee Warns Palin: Don’t leave GOP

It’s time for the GOP to take a bow and move on. Let’s start the procession and plant this tired party. Better yet lets cremate the party and rebuild anew from the ashes.

Urbane Out

~A